(The scene is set in the living room of Morrissey's LA home. Morrissey is wearing a light neck brace and one of his arms is in a sling. He has a cup of tea on the table, with a straw resting on the saucer. Also in the room are; Morrissey's musical director, Boz Boorer, Penguin Press' Publicity Director, Rosie Glaisher, and the former novelist Michael Bracewell, who is sat in an armchair reading from an ipad. Morrissey is pacing the room. It is present day.)
Morrissey: Read it AGAIN Mikey.
Mikey Bracewell: I've already read it twice, Morr-ee-say, is there really any need to...
*Morrissey gives Bracewell an icy stare*
Morrissey: (Through gritted teeth) Read... it... AGAIN!
Mikey Bracewell: Very well, if I must.
*Mikey looks back down at his ipad and reads*
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Mikey Bracewell: "Elsewhere Morrissey writes affectingly of family bereavements, sustaining friendships and the thrill of first lov..."
Morrissey: Not that bit, don't try and butter me up by reading the niceties Mikey, move on to the next paragraph.
Mikey Bracewell: I really can't see what...
*Morrissey snatches the ipad from Bracewell, and as he does so, Morrissey winces in pain and holds his neck*
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Mikey Bracewell: Are you alright Morr-ee-say?
Morrissey: As if you care? You've already tried to sabotage my new career as a serious writer, so don't make out that you are in any way, shape or form concerned for my well being.
Mikey Bracewell: Sabotaged, I, I, I merely went along with your wishes, I...
Morrissey: -Let me read it for you Mikey.
*Morrissey looks down at the ipad that he is now holding*
Morrissey: Ah yes, here we go, "The shame of this book is that it has been so ill-served editorially. Solecisms abound..."
Boz Boorer: What are solecisms?
*Morrissey ignores Boz and continues reading*
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Morrissey: "Repetition is everywhere, as are misuses, misspellings, tautologies and inconsistencies..."
Boz Boorer: -What's a torto thingy when it's at home?
Mikey Bracewell: It's a...
Morrissey: (shouting) Shut up, the pair of you! ..... Where was I? Oh yes, "References are orphaned and chronology is askew." Blah, blah, blah... "That this book wears the Penguin Classics livery might look strange (if beautiful), but it is the imprint, not he", ie ME, "who fails to live up to their billing here."
*Morrissey throws the ipad back at Mikey, who fumbles it, but then manages to catch it as it heads for the floor*
Mikey Bracewell: Penguin are the ones to blame for this then, Rosie.
Rosie Glaisher: Sorry, I don't see what the problem is, Morrissey's autobiography is a huge success, it's been number one in the UK Paperback chart for three weeks now, and it's still Top 10 amongst the stiffs.
*Boz Boorer sniggers*
Morrissey: I'm glad you find all this funny Boz. I'm slated in The Times Literary Supplement, and YOU think it's a joke, well thank you Boz, your support means the world to me.
Boz Boorer: But I, er, sorry Moz.
Morrissey: Yes, I'm sure you are sorry Boz, but I doubt there is one ounce of remorse from old Bonnie and Clyde over here, who between them have robbed me of a writing career. Mind you, who was I trying to kid that I could write books? I'm a nobody from nowhere, and I deserve nothing, which is exactly what I've now got.
*Morrissey sinks into an armchair and leans forward to pick up his tea and straw. He winces in pain again as he cranes his neck to take a sip of tea, and tuts at his immobile arm in it's sling*
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Rosie Glaisher: Am I missing something here, I just don't understand what's...
Mikey Bracewell:... let me help explain something to you Rosie. So far in your short lived acquaintance
with Our Mozzer, you've only seen the one side to him, well welcome to one of the other sides.
*Morrissey raises his eyebrows, tuts and looks heavenward. He then takes another sip of tea and winces*
Mikey Bracewell: There is of course nothing wrong Rosie, in fact, everything is going swimmingly well, things couldn't be better, but you should know from his book...
Morrissey: -I bet she hasn't even read it.
Mikey Bracewell: .... that Morr-ee-say can't accept things going well, and feels the need to self doubt and of course to find somebody to blame, even when there is nothing to blame anybody for.
Morrissey: Ooh, listen to Mister 'Lay Down on my Couch' Bracewell. Just because he went to Nottingham University, and just because he wrote a book or two, many years ago, he thinks he knows everything about everything, well he DOESN'T. Would you like to read the section about me being "ill-served editorially"one more time Mikey? No, I thought not. You are no different to Joyce. You can't admit to your own short comings, so it's much easier to put it down to old Mozzer just being a bit paranoid, or a bit cuckoo.
Mikey Bracewell: With respect, Morr-ee-say...
Morrissey: -respect? Huh, that's a joke.
Mikey Bracewell: ... when we reviewed the reviews of Autobiography less than three weeks ago, for that silly little Following The Mozziah blogsite that for some reason you seem to like, you particularly enjoyed the review from Alex Niven in The Independent, who admired the fact that your book hadn't been "abridged down into a sedate, prize-worthy volume void of idiosyncrasy and colour."
Morrissey: Don't try and get clever, Mikey. That two bit nobody from The Independent wouldn't know his Dandy from his Dante, this is The Times we're talking about now, and they are saying that it should have been better edited.
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ALEX NIVEN
Rosie Glaisher: Morrissey, I don't want to say I told you so, but I did point out prior to publication that the book had content issues, and you said that you didn't want to change anything. You said the book would not only tell your story, but would also serve as a timepiece of the teaching capabilities of Northern England's state education system of the 1960's and 70's, and that any errors were their failings, not yours. We at Penguin particularly liked that idea, which is why we came back to you. The Times are having a go at Penguin, purely and simply because they don't understand the concept of what we are doing with this book, it's a literary work of art, and we are so proud to have it in our classics range.
*Morrissey smiles smugly to himself, takes a sip of tea, and winces in pain*
Morrissey: Rosie, is it true that David Beckham's new book has sold just four thousand copies this week and failed to make it into the Top 50?
Rosie: Yes, that's right.
*Morrissey takes another sip of tea*
Morrissey: Read it AGAIN Mikey.
Mikey Bracewell: I've already read it twice, Morr-ee-say, is there really any need to...
*Morrissey gives Bracewell an icy stare*
Morrissey: (Through gritted teeth) Read... it... AGAIN!
Mikey Bracewell: Very well, if I must.
*Mikey looks back down at his ipad and reads*
Mikey Bracewell: "Elsewhere Morrissey writes affectingly of family bereavements, sustaining friendships and the thrill of first lov..."
Morrissey: Not that bit, don't try and butter me up by reading the niceties Mikey, move on to the next paragraph.
Mikey Bracewell: I really can't see what...
*Morrissey snatches the ipad from Bracewell, and as he does so, Morrissey winces in pain and holds his neck*
Mikey Bracewell: Are you alright Morr-ee-say?
Morrissey: As if you care? You've already tried to sabotage my new career as a serious writer, so don't make out that you are in any way, shape or form concerned for my well being.
Mikey Bracewell: Sabotaged, I, I, I merely went along with your wishes, I...
Morrissey: -Let me read it for you Mikey.
*Morrissey looks down at the ipad that he is now holding*
Morrissey: Ah yes, here we go, "The shame of this book is that it has been so ill-served editorially. Solecisms abound..."
Boz Boorer: What are solecisms?
*Morrissey ignores Boz and continues reading*
Morrissey: "Repetition is everywhere, as are misuses, misspellings, tautologies and inconsistencies..."
Boz Boorer: -What's a torto thingy when it's at home?
Mikey Bracewell: It's a...
Morrissey: (shouting) Shut up, the pair of you! ..... Where was I? Oh yes, "References are orphaned and chronology is askew." Blah, blah, blah... "That this book wears the Penguin Classics livery might look strange (if beautiful), but it is the imprint, not he", ie ME, "who fails to live up to their billing here."
*Morrissey throws the ipad back at Mikey, who fumbles it, but then manages to catch it as it heads for the floor*
Mikey Bracewell: Penguin are the ones to blame for this then, Rosie.
Rosie Glaisher: Sorry, I don't see what the problem is, Morrissey's autobiography is a huge success, it's been number one in the UK Paperback chart for three weeks now, and it's still Top 10 amongst the stiffs.
*Boz Boorer sniggers*
Morrissey: I'm glad you find all this funny Boz. I'm slated in The Times Literary Supplement, and YOU think it's a joke, well thank you Boz, your support means the world to me.
Boz Boorer: But I, er, sorry Moz.
Morrissey: Yes, I'm sure you are sorry Boz, but I doubt there is one ounce of remorse from old Bonnie and Clyde over here, who between them have robbed me of a writing career. Mind you, who was I trying to kid that I could write books? I'm a nobody from nowhere, and I deserve nothing, which is exactly what I've now got.
*Morrissey sinks into an armchair and leans forward to pick up his tea and straw. He winces in pain again as he cranes his neck to take a sip of tea, and tuts at his immobile arm in it's sling*
Rosie Glaisher: Am I missing something here, I just don't understand what's...
Mikey Bracewell:... let me help explain something to you Rosie. So far in your short lived acquaintance
with Our Mozzer, you've only seen the one side to him, well welcome to one of the other sides.
*Morrissey raises his eyebrows, tuts and looks heavenward. He then takes another sip of tea and winces*
Mikey Bracewell: There is of course nothing wrong Rosie, in fact, everything is going swimmingly well, things couldn't be better, but you should know from his book...
Morrissey: -I bet she hasn't even read it.
Mikey Bracewell: .... that Morr-ee-say can't accept things going well, and feels the need to self doubt and of course to find somebody to blame, even when there is nothing to blame anybody for.
Morrissey: Ooh, listen to Mister 'Lay Down on my Couch' Bracewell. Just because he went to Nottingham University, and just because he wrote a book or two, many years ago, he thinks he knows everything about everything, well he DOESN'T. Would you like to read the section about me being "ill-served editorially"one more time Mikey? No, I thought not. You are no different to Joyce. You can't admit to your own short comings, so it's much easier to put it down to old Mozzer just being a bit paranoid, or a bit cuckoo.
Mikey Bracewell: With respect, Morr-ee-say...
Morrissey: -respect? Huh, that's a joke.
Mikey Bracewell: ... when we reviewed the reviews of Autobiography less than three weeks ago, for that silly little Following The Mozziah blogsite that for some reason you seem to like, you particularly enjoyed the review from Alex Niven in The Independent, who admired the fact that your book hadn't been "abridged down into a sedate, prize-worthy volume void of idiosyncrasy and colour."
Morrissey: Don't try and get clever, Mikey. That two bit nobody from The Independent wouldn't know his Dandy from his Dante, this is The Times we're talking about now, and they are saying that it should have been better edited.
ALEX NIVEN
Rosie Glaisher: Morrissey, I don't want to say I told you so, but I did point out prior to publication that the book had content issues, and you said that you didn't want to change anything. You said the book would not only tell your story, but would also serve as a timepiece of the teaching capabilities of Northern England's state education system of the 1960's and 70's, and that any errors were their failings, not yours. We at Penguin particularly liked that idea, which is why we came back to you. The Times are having a go at Penguin, purely and simply because they don't understand the concept of what we are doing with this book, it's a literary work of art, and we are so proud to have it in our classics range.
*Morrissey smiles smugly to himself, takes a sip of tea, and winces in pain*
Morrissey: Rosie, is it true that David Beckham's new book has sold just four thousand copies this week and failed to make it into the Top 50?
Rosie: Yes, that's right.
*Morrissey takes another sip of tea*